


don't lose your halo

by Holom



Series: so much love [3]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, preath looking after their 'kid' stays being my brand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23121052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holom/pseuds/Holom
Summary: Christen watches as Mal struggles to find her way back to the team and herself. She and Tobin help her out, after all, Mal is basically their kid.Based on the song GIRL by Maren Morris.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Series: so much love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1516295
Comments: 20
Kudos: 191





	don't lose your halo

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspiration for this after watching the game yesterday and being like way too excited Mal finally made a comeback to the field.

_Man, this shit's unflattering_

_All up in my head again_

Christen isn’t surprised to be discussing this with Mal. She’s maybe surprised Mal reached out to her before she made the first move. But with how despondent the 21 year old seemed, they both knew it would do no favors to not talk about it.

_I don't feel myself right now_

_Maybe I should just lay down_

“Life flows like this, little love. High highs, and low lows. There’s a way to manage it, but it takes time. You’re still figuring it out. If you think you’re supposed to have it all sorted, you’re absolutely not.”

Mal just lay staring at the ceiling with her head in Christen’s lap as the older woman talked. Christen ran her hands through Mal’s curls, her heart breaking at the sight of tears welling in Mal’s eyes.

It was the middle of the training week for the She Believes Cup. Christen would’ve liked to have had this conversation with Mal much earlier, maybe even before she got momentarily dropped from the roster for Qualifiers.

She had seen this coming for Mal for a while. Well before this year, even to when Jill was still coaching. Mal _had_ been performing great. For any other country she’d be their star striker. But injuries and competition had hit her hard. And somewhere on her way back, Mal had lost her way. The pressure, the consistency, the mental fortitude. It just took time to learn to manage it. It had clearly all caught up with her. And she didn’t know how to deal anymore.

“Christen.” Mal had mumbled at the door of Christen’s hotel room. Whatever else she was planning to say was muffled by Christen pulling her into her arms, a sob ripping out of Mal as Christen hummed comfortingly, swaying her side to side as she allowed the young player to let out some of what she had been building up for a few months now.

_If vanity's my vitamin_

_Well, I don't feel the difference_

_I don't like myself right now_

_Gotta find a way out_

“Nothing feels right anymore. I don’t know who I am on the field. I try not to be affected by it. I try to centre myself, all the things you said. But I’m failing. I can’t find a rhythm.

Christen watched a few tears leak out of Mal’s eyes, falling straight off the side of her face. They hit Christen’s skin where her shorts ended, and it stung that Mal, this girl she so fiercely loved and protected, held so much sadness in her heart.

She quickly wiped away Mal’s next tears, not wanting to see Mal’s pain if she didn’t have to. She let the girl ramble and cry some more, wanting her to get out all the frustration she could before she tried to soothe her.

“And like, I _know_ I’m playing bad. I know I am. But it just feeds itself. I’m stressed so I mess up. I mess up so I don’t get played. I don’t get played so I’m stressed. I don’t know how to break out of it. What do I do?”

It hurt Christen that she knew she didn’t have the answer for Mal. There was no one simple fix to her problem. She’d have to find it inside herself, but she knew that wasn’t what Mal wanted to hear.

She murmured comfortingly to her, one hand twisting through her hair, the other holding one of her hands. Mal just seemed so little, so small curled on the bed, head in her lap. She’d never wanted to protect someone from hurt like this before.

_What you feel is natural_

_But I don't wanna feel this anymore_

_Pick yourself up off the kitchen floor_

_What you waiting for?_

“I know you know everyone’s journey is different.” Christen started, looking down at Mal’s eyes as they gazed up at her. “And I don’t say this to make a comparison, or for you to model your progress based on what someone else has done. But this is _so_ normal for athletes, Mal. So normal. Everyone hits a phase where nothing seems to be working for them. Where they feel like they’ve tried everything and it’s all wrong. Or even when you do everything right, something you can’t control might stop what you want.”

Christen thought about her own pain when she talked to Mal, coming out of Stanford having excelled to the highest degree but never being satisfied, never being good enough. It used to eat at her, day in and out.

Maybe that was why she was desperate to spare Mal from the same hurt.

_Girl, won't you stop your crying?_

_I know that you're trying_

_Everything's gonna be okay_

“I think it’s a bit harder for you because you’re so young. I know you don’t like people bringing up age.” She said, giving Mal a small smile as the younger girl gave her quarter of an eye roll. “But it’s true. You just haven’t had enough time to develop a way through it. But you will. You are right now. You’re questioning things, you’re pushing yourself, you’re growing. You might not think it, but you are. We just struggle to see the good things when we’re stuck in the cloud of bad things.”

Mal contemplated what she said, staring back up at the ceiling as she joined her other hand with the one Christen was already holding, playing with her fingers.

“I just want soccer to be fun again. I want to believe in myself again.”

At that, Christen pulled Mal up, practically into her lap, hugging her close. She squeezed her eyes shut, thinking she herself would drop a tear or two at the rate her heart was shattering.

_Baby girl, don't you hang your head low_

_Don't you lose your halo  
_

_Everyone's gonna be okay_

“You will, little love. I promise. And you’re not alone, we’re going to help.”

_Draw your comparisons_

_Trying to find who's lesser than_

_I don't wanna wear your crown_

_There's enough to go around_

She watched Mal in practice and she saw her stumble.

She watched Mal in practice and she saw her shine.

She watched as Mal festered on her stumbles, instantly forgetting everything good she’d done before it.

“Great cross, Mal. That was amazing!” Tobin, knowing what Christen had told her of Mal’s struggles, praised the young player as they jogged back to the end of the group of forwards, waiting for their turn to start again.

Mal shrugged her shoulders, her face clearly showing disagreement to Tobin’s statement. “I only crossed it because I kicked it straight into Sonnett right before that. She basically just lost her footing and it was open for me.”

“That’s a smart play, then. If we score off crosses we’re not complaining how they get there.”

“I should have been able to get it the first time. It was bad.”

Tobin knew when to give Mal space, looking over at Christen who was behind them in the line but very much listening. Christen just shook her head, letting Tobin know to let it go.

That was much harder when they watched Pinoe with the other group of forwards send in a _beautiful_ cross, right to the head of Lindsey who slotted it into the back of the net. If Tobin hadn’t heard Mal’s defeated sigh, she definitely saw the way her shoulders drooped and her head hung low.

She and Christen tried – the whole team, really – tried, and Mal sometimes found her spark again. Kelley was in the middle of writing her Player’s Tribune piece when Mal was really getting down on herself, and she’d taken the younger girl out, telling her about her motto, how it changed her attitude – rejection is a blessing. Everything happens for a reason. And the only way is through.

Mal would get it, would get on board. She would tear up the field at training. But then she’d make a mistake, even the littlest one, and it was 10 steps back every single time.

_What you feel is natural_

_You don't gotta put up with this anymore_

_Pick yourself up off the kitchen floor_

_Tell me what you waiting for?_

After a training between the England and Spain games, Mal looked about ready to burst into tears anytime the ball touched her foot even an inch off of where she wanted it to. She managed to hide it well. For all the adversity she was facing, Christen had to give the kid credit for the way she smiled through it on the outside, never being anything but determined and positive around the team.

But Christen and Tobin knew her better. This was the Mal who had called them almost in tears about whether to leave college to go pro, who had confided in them her insecurities and hurt and dreams, who had jokingly called them moms many times before because she was only a few short years out of being under her own mother’s full time care. She needed some stability still.

Training ended, but the three of them stayed. Rather, Christen gathered all the balls, moving cones around to create an attacking drill while Tobin eventually convinced Mal to stay behind, sitting down with her on the grass.

“We want to help you, Mal.”

“Unless you get to decide who gets game time, you can’t.”

“It’s something more than that. It’s up here.” Tobin tapped the side of her head. “We’re our own biggest critiques. You can’t take on any constrictive criticism from any of these coaches if you can’t get past your own first.”

It felt like a bit of a stand-off, Mal and Tobin staring at each other. Tobin knew it was more like Mal standing off with her own self, trying to overcome the negativity that had been living in her head.

In some ways this felt like a pivotal moment. If Mal managed to overcome herself now, it was the first step forward for her. Tobin basically sat on her hands with her fingers crossed, willing the girl in front of her to break down that first wall and stand up.

Mal would never have to pull herself up alone, though. Christen came over to join them, holding out her hand for Tobin to stand up with before both of them held a hand out each for Mal to take.

“Come on, little love. Let’s play some football.”

Christen and Tobin could have cried at the feeling of Mal’s hands clasping in their own, pulling her up and straight into their arms to hug her. They stayed together for a long while, wrapping Mal close between them, murmuring gentle encouragements.

And then, they played.

They played, and played, and played.

_Girl, won't you stop your crying?_

_I know that you're trying_

_Everything's gonna be okay_

“Okay, I’m going to run near post, but you can also hit the cone at the far post. Either will count for a goal.”

Mal held her hands at the back of her head, panting and nodding as she listened to Christen explain their next run. She was pushing herself hard, mostly succeeding and sometimes failing. They didn’t let her stop when she failed, though. She kept pushing through.

“Tobin’s reading me too well. I haven’t been getting them across. In a real game I would have been dispossessed.”

Christen nodded, somewhat agreeing, but knowing Mal was so close, _so close_ , to getting it. “I want you to do something for me, okay?” She placed her hands on Mal’s shoulders, taking a deep breath. “Close your eyes, and think back to when you first started on this team. When you were this little 17 year old, lugging around your school books and your cleats everywhere you went. Can you see her?”

Mal nodded, a tiny smile coming on her face as she closed her eyes, remembering her past self.

“What does she look like?”

It took Mal a few moments to answer. “She looks happy.”

“Why does she look happy?”

“Because she’s doing what she loves. She’s playing football.” Mal’s answers were coming faster now, more confident. “She’s not thinking, she’s just doing.”

A smile burst onto Christen’s face. “That’s right. Mal, open your eyes. That girl, the one who would dribble at the best defenders in the world like it was just another practice, that would step players, sprint by them, shoot out of this world shots – she’s still in there. She’s still in you. You don’t have to search for something you don’t already have. You just have to find her again. In here.”

A tear rolled down Mal’s cheek as she nodded at Christen’s words.

“Okay?” Christen squeezed Mal’s shoulders comfortingly, wiping the tear away.

“Yeah.” Mal threw her arms around Christen. “I love you.”

“Come on, then!” Tobin called out from the 18 yard box where she stood as a defender in their drill. She had a cocky expression on, one eyebrow tilted. They’d realized over the course of the extra training Mal responded better to fun competition, not the serious and all-consuming kind that usually clouded the team.

Christen laughed at what Tobin called out, squeezing Mal back in the hug before pulling away, nudging her towards the ball. “I love you, too. Now, let’s go kick Tobin’s ass.”

A delighted laugh left Mal, and Christen watched in amazement as determination slid onto her face, the challenge lighting a spark in her.

This was it. She was finding herself again.

_Don't you hang your head low_

_Don't you lose your halo_

_Everyone's gonna be okay,_

_Baby girl_

“Kelley, stay with her today, okay? She’s not getting game time today and she knows it, but she can’t regress to where she was earlier. She’s only just started picking herself back up.” Christen had whispered to Kelley in the locker room, watching Mal sit next to Lindsey and tie her laces.

The smile set on Christen’s face later every time she watched Kelley pull Mal up to go and warm up, the older woman jokingly trying to grab the younger girl’s hand every time they did so, Mal with a constant smile on her face.

“Chris, that set piece! Oh my god!” Mal basically jumped on her when the game had ended and they were back in the locker room. It was the happiest she’d seen her in a long time.

“Thanks, Mal.” Christen laughed at the younger girl’s joy, wrapping her in a hug. “It was like the ones we were practicing a few nights back.”

Mal nodded, a smile on her face. “I thought so. You played amazing. You are amazing.”

“So are you, little love.” Christen pulled her back into her arms, murmuring into her ear. “Soon you’ll have the chance to be amazing out on that field as well. I know it.”

_Girl, don’t hang your head low_

_Don’t lose your halo, don’t lose your halo_

“Tobin, sit down, you keep blocking the view!” Christen yanked Tobin back in her seat, both of them trying to see Mal out on the field in the last part of the Japan game.

“You’re just as bad, you can’t keep still.” Tobin retorted, laughing as Christen rolled her eyes. “She’s doing great, she’ll be okay. For someone who hasn’t played since November, she’s putting in a solid performance.”

Christen nodded, eyes on Mal out on the field as the seconds ticked by. She’d settled into the game nicely, making good runs and strong passes. It had been so amazing to share the field with Mal again, for the few minutes they overlapped. Christen had sent her a beaming smile when she’d run on, and they’d found their rhythm easily, linking up with Tobin on the other side as well.

When the ball flew out of bounds for a corner kick in the 82nd minute, most of the bench went over to the side line, feeling something brewing in their team mates. Mal ran over to set up for the corner, and Christen willed all the good vibrations she had her way.

The kick was good. _Real_ good. Enough to perfectly meet Lindsey’s head and slot into the goal.

“Yes!” Christen jumped up in place, hands in their air. She felt Tobin do the same next to her, and the rest of their team after that.

“Go Mal! Go Lindsey!” Tobin yelled out, fist pumping. They both watched with beaming smiles as Mal ran right into Lindsey’s arms, jumping into them and hugging her tight. It was the perfect way to end the game, and the perfect boost to confidence that Mal needed.

_Girl, don't you stop your crying_

_I know that you're trying_

_Everything's gonna be okay_

“Onwards and upwards, little love. I’m so proud of you.”

Mal wrapped her arm around Christen’s waist, leaning her head on the older woman’s shoulder as they walked from the changing room out to the bus, ready to crash for the night.

“Thank you, Christen. For everything. I know I’m not there yet. But I’m starting to be.”

“And you’ll get there. You’ve got it in you, Mal. And we’ll be here for you all the way.”

Mal laughed, hugging Christen tighter. “You better. I’m not ready for you to retire anytime soon. Neither is anyone else in the world.”

“Don’t worry,” Christen grinned, winking at the younger player. “You can’t get rid of us that easily.”

_Don't you hang your head low_

_Don't you lose your halo_

_Everyone's gonna be okay_

_Baby girl_

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed! It was nice to get back into writing little fics. Let me know what else you'd like to see in this series or other one shots.
> 
> And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Gold Love! The next update will be out, just not in the same time frame as usual (it would typically update around today but y'all will have to wait just a bit longer) but it's definitely coming!


End file.
